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Being a bloke...

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john64 e2 Member 10824 forum postsjohn64 vcard England
12 Apr 2006 - 3:07 AM

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policemen, but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while
everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When girls have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your social life, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT 200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike girls, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer
gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, woman?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long, man-sized pony.

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12 Apr 2006 - 3:07 AM

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wotashot  102249 forum posts
12 Apr 2006 - 3:20 AM

Thats made my day - people in the office are wondering why I'm laughing to myself,


EDIT: Number 15 is the best

CarlyMorg  950 forum posts
12 Apr 2006 - 3:27 AM

25 SCRATCHING YOUR NUTS, WITH PRIDE, BECAUSE YOU CAN Smile And no hint of a social disease.

BOB S  122622 forum posts
12 Apr 2006 - 3:39 AM

26. CHANGING A WHEEL ON THE CAR, women just cant do it.


wotashot  102249 forum posts
12 Apr 2006 - 3:42 AM


12 Apr 2006 - 3:51 AM

From a woman's point of view_

28. Making a virtue out of getting hopelessly lost
29. Farting whenever and wherever.
30. Getting jeans two sizes too small because they fasten below your beer gut.
31. making lewd comments about a woman's breast, loud enough for her to hear and thinking she really like that.

Snapper  93767 forum posts United States Minor Outlying Islands3 Constructive Critique Points
12 Apr 2006 - 4:25 AM

32. Buying a Nikon instead of a Canon .... because you can grow a beard to go with it. Smile

LAF  111735 forum posts
12 Apr 2006 - 5:00 AM

Damn that's all so true. Bloody brilliant!

dave thelens
12 Apr 2006 - 5:15 AM

33) Walking past Ikea and not having the urge to walk through the doors

hobbs  101222 forum posts United Kingdom
12 Apr 2006 - 5:30 AM

34. means only spending 5 on a haircut.

csurry  129230 forum posts92 Constructive Critique Points
12 Apr 2006 - 5:34 AM

You spend that much Nick, you're being swindled Grin)

12 Apr 2006 - 5:53 AM

Quote: Getting jeans two sizes too small because they fasten below your beer gut.

Hmmm, and women of course always buy clothes that fit just right... it's just that the shops make them smaller than the size on the label isn't it?

hobbs  101222 forum posts United Kingdom
12 Apr 2006 - 6:08 AM

Cheryl thats how much the dry cleaners charge for the wig. :o))

sidaorb  83857 forum posts England2 Constructive Critique Points
12 Apr 2006 - 7:03 AM

Buying a Sat Nav because its another gadget, despite having a briiliant sense of direction anyway and therefore also saving the 'what colour road are we on?' question. (To which I looked out of window and said grey, we were on the M5 at the time!)


12 Apr 2006 - 7:07 AM

yep - thats made my day in an otherwise dull office with people wondering what I have to laugh at.

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