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    KevSB  101407 forum posts United Kingdom5 Constructive Critique Points
    10 Dec 2011 - 10:54 AM

    Came across this and thought it may amuse you

    This is a genuine complaint to Strandtown Police Station from an angry member of the public

    A true email sent to the Service, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

    Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
    Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Strandtown policestation to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

    Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Strandtown, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

    As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Parkgate Crescent, which is just off Mersey Street Belfast.

    Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.
    This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

    The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

    I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
    If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. In fact, I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

    Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

    What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Police car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

    I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

    I remain your obedient servant

    Mr ,
    I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

    As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

    Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

    PC ?
    Community Beat Officer


    Dear PC ?
    First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

    16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Strandtown Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

    Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

    May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in Parkgate Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

    Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Belfast, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these [censored] that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

    The pitch on Holywood Road , or the one at Victoria Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Pollock Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

    Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ..........
    If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the GreatEastern Pub.


    P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

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    10 Dec 2011 - 10:54 AM

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    pulsar69  101611 forum posts United Kingdom6 Constructive Critique Points
    10 Dec 2011 - 11:12 AM

    thats brilliant lol

    lemmy  71831 forum posts United Kingdom
    10 Dec 2011 - 11:14 AM

    It reminds of the (I think true) story a while ago of the guy who had caught a burglar in his flat. He had confronted the bloke and was keeping him in the flat until the cops arrived. When he called the cops, they said they would be over.

    After twenty minutes no-one had arrived, so he called again, only to be told they had no-one available.The bloke, says, well there's no hurry now because the burglar tried to run away and I've shot him. Five minutes later, flashing blue lights, sirens and armed police everywhere. They kick in the door to find the guy standing there guarding the worried looking burglar.

    Policeman - "You said you'd shot him"
    Flat Owner - "You said you had no-one available"


    NaturesHaven e2 Member 2246 forum postsNaturesHaven vcard England5 Constructive Critique Points
    10 Dec 2011 - 11:35 AM

    I have to visit the the little girls room because I'm laughing so much.............TongueTongueGrinGrin

    sitan1  6471 forum posts United Kingdom
    10 Dec 2011 - 11:53 AM

    LMAO that is superb, but also unfortunantly a reality in most places.

    Niknut e2 Member 4560 forum postsNiknut vcard United Kingdom61 Constructive Critique Points
    10 Dec 2011 - 12:00 PM

    Thanks Kev for sharing that with us.....it's made my day !!!!

    Glad to know there's people out there in the 'real' world.....& what a brilliant writing style, & wit !!!!.......loved every word !!!!!

    cambirder  107202 forum posts England
    10 Dec 2011 - 12:04 PM

    Quote: I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book

    He will have an even bigger wait for a reply from him, he died in 2004.

    Coleslaw e2 Member 913403 forum postsColeslaw vcard Wales28 Constructive Critique Points
    10 Dec 2011 - 12:32 PM


    justin c
    justin c  104519 forum posts England36 Constructive Critique Points
    10 Dec 2011 - 12:58 PM

    Excellent Grin

    JimL e2 Member 780 forum postsJimL vcard United Kingdom
    10 Dec 2011 - 3:38 PM


    MaryMac  8258 forum posts United Kingdom1 Constructive Critique Points
    10 Dec 2011 - 4:31 PM

    If you fone the police here in Botswana after 5pm they first ask if you can come pick them up as they have no transport because the senior officer takes the van home after work so they have no transport !!!
    The senior commander at the Orapa police station was giving a demonstration to 12 new recruits on the use and safety of the AK47 weapon after a lengthy lecture he proceeded to point the weapon at the junior officers and said Never EVER wave your weapon around and press the trigger unless the safety catch is in the ON position unfortunatly his was off and 12 guys were admitted to the hospital 6 serious with wounds above the waist the rest shot from the knees down I kid you not this actually happened !

    Louise_Morris e2 Member 42310 forum postsLouise_Morris vcard England
    10 Dec 2011 - 6:23 PM

    Absolutely brilliant - thanks for making me & the family laugh out loud together, priceless!! GrinGrin

    Just Jas
    Just Jas  1225751 forum posts England1 Constructive Critique Points
    11 Dec 2011 - 1:16 PM

    Quote: If you fone the police here in Botswana after 5pm they first ask if you can come pick them up as they have no transport.....

    And if you phone in because your car's just been stolen......? Smile

    f8  109169 forum posts England22 Constructive Critique Points
    12 Dec 2011 - 4:36 PM

    Quote: If you fone the police here in Botswana after 5pm they first ask if you can come pick them up as they have no transport.....

    And if you phone in because your car's just been stolen......? Smile

    Hire car?

    Ade_Osman e2 Member 114499 forum postsAde_Osman vcard England36 Constructive Critique Points
    13 Dec 2011 - 3:41 PM

    Quote: If you fone the police here in Botswana after 5pm they first ask if you can come pick them up as they have no transport.....

    Think yourself lucky!....Try and phone them here in deepest darkest Somerset and you'd be lucky to get a chuffing answer!


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