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Didn't see a Fun Friday thread, so in tru big bri tradition, I decided to see how many people I could upset:
Not too rude...
A woman sitting at a restaurant in Texas suddenly began to cough while
eating a giant country fried steak. After a few seconds it became apparent
that she was in real distress, and two cowboys at the next table turned to
look at her.
"Kin ya swaller? asked one of the cowboys.
The woman signalled 'No', desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head and again
With that, the first cowboy walked over to her, lifted up the back of her
skirt, yanked down her undies, and slowly ran his tongue up and down the
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew
out of her mouth and she began to breath again.
The cowboy slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another
drink of his Lone Star beer.
His partner said in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind
Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"
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Well everybody in the office here loves that one Bri. Big Grins and hysterics.
Nice one Big Bri - stand by for the flack though.
oohh Bri, that'll cause some trouble, I'm ducking already, lol.
(good joke though, tee hee)
Thats a good one, Bri. I needed a laugh after a gruesome week at work so thanks.
And here's a really clean one (sorry) I can never remember jokes normally.
This was on Radio 2 yesterday so sorry if you've already heard it.
A man walked into a newsagents and asked if he had any helicopter flavoured crisps.
No - replied the newsagent, we only have plane.
The helicopter ones never took off!!
You know a couple of weeks before he died my grandmother covered my grandfather's back with lard... after that he went downhill fast...
Not original but my current fave
A bear goes into a pub and says "Can I have a pint of lager and a............................................packet of crisps please"
The barman says "Why the big paws (pause)?
Or how about the woman who went into a pub and asked for a 'double entendre'. The barman give her one....
Just heard a good one.
I want to die in my sleep, just like my grandfather...........not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
For Cat Lovers Everywhere ...
An aquarium is interactive television for cats.
Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
Dogs do what you tell them to. Cats take a message and get back to you.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Cat's motto a): No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Cat's motto b): Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.
Cats are delicate creatures and subject to many illnesses, but did you ever hear of one suffering from insomnia.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You just can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.
Cats go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. They have many other fine qualities as well.
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.
David - that's the funniest thing I heard all week. Thanks
oops, double post.
A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
1 bar of soap
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
1 single frozen pizza
The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, 'How'd you guess?'
He says, 'Because you're ugly.'
Slightly more risque....
A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customers personality on what drinks they consumed.
Although interviewed separately, they oncurred on almost all counts. The results:
WOMEN WHO DRINK:
Drink : Beer.
Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink : Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella.
Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas eg; Scotch and dry
Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink : Water
Personalty : Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach : Don't
Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Drink : Bacardi Breezer, Lemon Ruskie, West Coast Cooler, etc
Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue.
Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.
Drink : Baileys.
Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
Drink : Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)
Personality : Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.
IF MEN DRINK -As always, very simple and clear cut.
Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid
Guinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
Water : He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth
and still wants to get laid.
Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image
and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate
to get laid.
Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky : He doesn't give two shits about anything and will hit anyone who
will get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about
feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.)to weasel himself into getting
Rum or Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Lemon Ruskie, West Coast Cooler etc : He's gay(Blatantly) don't turn your back or pick up any dropped change.
(I should point out at this stage that I am drinking tequila at the moment....)
My grandfather died yesterday on his 95th birthday...
...I said not to give him bumps.
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