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(Hope I don't upset too many people this time)
A young man called Colin invited his mother over for dinner.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Colin's flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Colin and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his Mum's thoughts, Colin volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Gary and I are just flatmates."
About a week later, Gary came to Colin saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure." said Colin. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Colin
Several days later Colin received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Gary, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Gary, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the gravy ladle by now.
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well Bri, I smiled, or actually laughed so there!
I heard on radio 2 this morning, so I assume it is OK to post here, that eating one's own words was the latest Atkinson's diet.
had this one from email...
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think
with their heart.
I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do"
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT???!!!
What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen
that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work
to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new
shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She
must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!"
I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as
a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell while monkeys fly out her bum.
Hope this is OK
The Inland Revenue sent their auditor to a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the usual checks, and then Turns to the Rabbi and says "I notice that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes" answered the Rabbi.
"Well, what do you do with the candle drippings?" The auditor asked.
"A good question" noted the Rabbi, "We actually save them up, and when we have enough, we send them
back to the candle maker. Every now and again, the candle maker sends us a free box of candles."
"Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.
He decided to try again ... "Well what about all these Matzo purchases? You must gather lots of crumbs from
all that bread, so what do you do with it?"
"Ah yes" replied the Rabbi, unperturbed, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo.
Once we have enough, we send them in a box to the manufacturer, and every once in a while,
they send us a box of matzo balls."
"Oh" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well tell me this, then, Rabbi" he continued "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too we do not waste" replied the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we
have enough we parcel them up and actually send them to the Inland Revenue."
"What?!! the Inland Revenue?!?" Questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Yes" replied the Rabbi, "the Inland Revenue ... and in return, about once a year,
they send us a little ***** like you."
I find that joke very offensive. Not a single mention of the French at all.
Colin (who has never owned a gravy ladle!)
Michael, that made me laugh.
Here's another one for the thread:
An old man lay dying on his bed, he drifts in and out of conciousness until a smell drifts into the room. His wife is baking and from the smell, she was baking her world famous biscuits. Suddenly he started to dribble and licking his lips. If only he could muster the strength to have one last taste of her biscuits.
With great effort, he slid from the bed and began to crawl along the floor. His muscles ached and his body was in great pain, but all he could think off was the biscuits and so he kept on crawling. He dragged himself down the stairs, biting back the agony as he licked his lips in anticipation. Eventually he got himself into the kitched. He grabbed hold of a cupboard door and slowly, painfully pulled himself up. He reached out with withering fingers for the warm biscuit, when his wife slammed a spatuala on his hand. He fell to the floor, his last strength gone.
'p**s off', his wife said. 'They're for the funeral.'
English man, French man, ugly fat lady and a young beautiful woman on a train.
Train goes under a tunnel and when it comes out the Frenchman is laid on the floor moaning.
French man thinks that English man must have groped that young woman, and she hit me thinking I was him
Ugly fat lady thinks That Frenchman must have groped that beautiful young woman and shes hit him
Young beautiful woman thinks that Frenchman must have groped that ugly fat lady mistaking her for me, and shes hit him
English man thinks I hope theres another tunnel then I can hit that French **** again
Apologies to any French or fat ugly people, please feel free to delete if anyone is offended!
tut tut tut.
Hysterical!!...Anne, and there was me thinking you didn't have a sence of humor!
Only where French people and fat ugly people are involved Andrew
....only joking everyone, before I'm banished by the French and fat ugly members!
I'm with you Anne, except I fall under one of those categories!
Never knew you were French Andrew!
Ian, sadly I'm not...
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