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On a tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW to a petrol station. The attendant, unaware of who he is says "top of the mornin to yer". Tiger nods an "hello" as he bends forward to pick up the pump nozzel. Two tee's fall out of his pocket as he does so."What are dose" ask's the attendant. "They are tee's" replies Tiger. "What on Gods earth are da for?" inquires the Irishman. "They are for resting my balls on when I'm driving" replies Tiger. "Fookin Jeysus" says the Irishman "BMW tinks of everyting"
Can you do better? Bring it on.
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What is a Snakes favourite subject?
An attractive young woman walks up to the bar in a rural pub. She signals for the barman to bring his face close to hers.
"Are you the manager?" she asks quietly, running her fingers through his hair.
"No", he replies.
"Can you give him a message then?" she asks, stroking his face and allowing 2 fingers to slip into his mouth, so he can suck them gently.
"What would you like me to tell him?" asks the barman.
"Tell him, there's no bloody toilet paper"
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No no, it's permanent."
(Sorry, I'll get me coat)
How do you get a fat girl into bed?
Piece of cake!
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else hecould think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
whats blue and f**ks old ladies?
Plink plink fizz...............
Two babies in an acid bath.
What's white and 12 inches long?
What's a mile long and smells of pee (being polite here - lol!!)
The Bingo Queue
What's pink and hard and sticks out of a man's pyjamas?
What is pink and wrinkled and hangs out your granddad's pyjamas?
What's pink and hard in the morning ?
The FT crossword.
what goes in stiff dry and long, comes out soft small and wet.
What's pink and twelve inches long and hangs from a right b*****ks?..
Daniel O'Donnell's tie... (or insert name as appropriate..tony Blair springs to mind..)
Looking forward to Doolin already Stephen !!
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