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Reflecting on 201202/01/2013 - 3:27 AM
Considering the year began on a knife edge, i didnt know how it would work out, it actually worked out alright in the end.
I didnt want to be here last year, not epz, just here, living the way i was living back then, all secrets, guilt and arguments. It was all to much for me. But i got through it, in fact as 2012 progressed i made some big changes, i dared myself to get things done, while sme of those things are yet to be fulfilled, i know its only a matter of time before i see positive change.
I refuse to complain, or moan too much, nobody likes a moaning minnie, which has turned me into a bit of a Pollyanna, but so what? Life works better when positivity rules.
Who knew that one year later i would be driving home from Cambridge after celebrating 2012 feeling on top of the world, such a contrast to last years gloomy thoughts, even though by then my secret was out i was still very much suicidal i think, but no such thoughts this time round.
Who knew that 2012 would be the year i sorted those disgusting teeth out despite my irrational fear of dentists, furthermore, who knew that i would end 2012 with the confidence to upload full 1080p HD video blogs to youtube, despite still being without teeth!
Who knew that i would disown god, religion and all the other crap that went with it, there had to be a god right? Well, no, not really, not after i thought extremely long and hard about it and found many arguments the same as my own in relation to this touchy subject. I honestly believed there was some powerful, mystical force which created and bound the universe together, but then i stopped believing in santa, so to speak. Far from feeling my life has no purpose since abandoning religion, i feel it has maybe made me a better person, it wasn't gods will anymore, it was my own.
Who knew i would finally ditch Canon and DSLR's?
I would have wet myself with laughter if someone told me last december in 2011 i would be doing all this in 2012, and seeing in 2013 with such a positive state of mind. Somehow i found some inner strength, some fight left in me, enough to get out of that destructive rut, which a year ago seemed like my fate. I still have mountains to climb, but at least now im on the right path, and for once my destiny is in my hands.
The economy could go tits up for all i care, and it could rain from now until january 2014, i dont give a monkeys because this will be my year and nothing is going to get in my way