I think its a good piece of work, - still prefer the pose on the "halo" shot though.
I dont think the b&w is too bright, - looks OK.
I think perhaps you can do a little work on the original colour, then do the conversion.
What I think can be improved:
Eyes are not sharp. This might only be that youre not sharpening after re sizing for EPZ, and you original shot could be fine.
The exposure is a little under, - needs to be a little brighter, can be looked after in Photoshop using levels or curves.
Its often desirable when shooting females (not a pun) that the skin could be softened a little to give a more flattering appearance. This can be done using various blurring techniques, - or as many togs do, use a plug-in software like Portrait Professional that makes it easy. I used Kodak Digital Gem Airbrush in my mod.
I would crop it as in the mod, removing the top left, - essenatilly places her eyes on a third, and removes some of the background.
Theres a shadow on the right, - try to avoid by moving her further away, - or, easiest thing to do, - buy a couple of yards of black velvet, pin it to the wall behind, - and you have a perfect non reflecting matt black background.
I find her skin is overly red. I have a friend with an E 410, and I always think it tends to accentuate red too much, - nice in many shots, but a little too much for the white skin tones. Use colour balance, reduce red.
Make sure you monitor is calibrated, - rule # 1! Use Adove Gamma in the Control Panel if you dont have a Spyder or the like.
I modified the colour version using these methods, - and then converted to a monotone.
Hope this helps,