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Yes the F3.5, 1/800 maybe was not the best setup for the shot probably F8 1//250 would have been the better, but never mind still would not have made much difference to the light.
Nicely seen and it is one of these scenes you just have to have a go at, and I think in most part you have got what you were after.
The composition is fine, but I think you might have tried to enlarge too small a portion from the original, and it just does not work. I know it is not always possible but try and plan your shot during the shooting.
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