Firstly.......I'm no portrait photographer
What I think this needs is :-
Eye contact....camera must focus on those eyes with sufficient depth of field to keep the rest of the face in focus too. Maybe try and get some catchlight
Background is too bright and white....the eye is always drawn to the light in pictures.
A more flattering pose is required...not looking up her nostrils
More contrast by using the flash slightly more to one side....it amazes me with my own family snaps how lighting one side of an individual on the left isn't as good as lighting from the right...this depends, of course, on the person.
My own preference for portraits is dark shadows on one side of the face.
Hope this helps