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Groaners!


StrayCat 16 19.1k 3 Canada
3 Oct 2004 4:37PM
Why do they give the old guys in the nursing homes Viagra......So the won't roll out of bed. Keep it clean, if possible.
Anthony 19 5.6k 17 United Kingdom
3 Oct 2004 4:40PM
this man goes to the doctors, and returns home a short while later. wife says "Are you ok dear?" man says " I will be, the doctors prescribed me Orthodentic shoes!", wife says "Dont you mean Orhtopeadic?", man says, "I stand corrected".

Boom boom

Anthony
debbiehardy 16 363 United Kingdom
3 Oct 2004 5:03PM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Just Jas Plus
18 26.3k 1 England
3 Oct 2004 5:06PM
Denny - I rolled out of bed the other night!

Thanks for the cure! LOL

jas
StrayCat 16 19.1k 3 Canada
3 Oct 2004 8:16PM
Pat said "I wouldn't throw you a rope if you were drowning." Mike sad "I wouldn't take it if you did."
c_evans99 17 7.0k 1 Wales
3 Oct 2004 8:53PM
A mate of mine was out on the town and met a really attractive woman... they got talking, she said she was called Tina... my mate was taken aback when she said she was a police officer, even more so when she told him she was a detective sergeant in CID... not at all put off he went home with her... in the morning he was awaoken by the smell of bacon cooking... he stumbled downstairs stil dressing, when he walked into the kitchen he found her making him breakfast - to which he protested "Don't fry for me Sergeant Tina"...

I'll get me coat
Anthony 19 5.6k 17 United Kingdom
3 Oct 2004 8:55PM
Ceri - you should be ashamed of that one!!!
peterkin 17 670 England
3 Oct 2004 9:54PM
A little boy walked into a pet shop. "I'd like to buy a wasp," he said to the assistant.

"A wasp? says the assistant. Don't be silly; we don't sell wasps!

"Then why do you have them in the window?" asks the boy.
sillyconguru 16 4.4k
3 Oct 2004 9:59PM
A man is in a Pub drinking Whitbred beer when a dark woman comes up to him a 'lets rip'. "Hey!" shouted the man, "You fart in my Whitbred". To which came the reply, "No, I'm Tessa Sanderson"
Fishnet 16 5.0k 5 United Kingdom
3 Oct 2004 10:07PM
Two women on their way home from a girls night out get caught short and nip into a nearby cemetary to relieve themselves. Realising they don't have any toilet paper one of the women whips of her knickers and uses them to clean herself then throws them in the bushes, the other woman, wearing an expensive pair of Agent Provocateur has no intention of doing this and grabs a bouquet of flowers from a grave and uses the large ribbon. After this, they make their way home to their men.
The next morning one of the husbands rings up the other husband and says "We'd better keep an eye on our women,mine came home last night without her knickers" to which the other replied "That's nothing, mine had a card stuck up her a**e which said 'Thanks for all the good times we had together, we will miss you, from all the lads at the Fire Station' "
rogerbryan 16 397 United Kingdom
3 Oct 2004 10:25PM
Apologies to certain members of our little community but here goes.

A man was sat in a rather dark bar one evening feeling rather sorry for himself. He decided to tell the lady next to him a joke to try to break the ice.
'Have you heard the one about the blonde woman' he asks.
Before he could go any further the woman says.
'Hang on, theres not much light in here and I think I ought to tell you that I am blonde, 6 foot tall, work out with weights every day and can power lift 220lbs with ease. My girlfriend next to me is also blonde, is 240lb in weight and is a county kickboxing champion. My other friend next to her is blonde as well, is 260lb in weight, is the current female weightlifting champion and a Judo blackbelt.
Are you sure you want to tell this joke?'

The man pauses and thinks for a while and then adds
'Nope, I don't want to have explain the punch line three times'.

Sorry girls.

Roger
Fishnet 16 5.0k 5 United Kingdom
3 Oct 2004 10:39PM
Ahem, look at my profile photo.
Although I must add I am a natural blonde which I think reduces the the 'stupid' effect somewhat.
Lol !
Anthony 19 5.6k 17 United Kingdom
3 Oct 2004 11:09PM
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."

Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"
Anthony 19 5.6k 17 United Kingdom
3 Oct 2004 11:12PM
Politically Correct References to Women

She does not: Get PMS
She becomes: Hormonally Homicidal

She does not have: A Killer Body
She is: Terminally Attractive

She is not: A Bad Cook
She is: Microwave Compatible

She is not: A Bad Driver
She is: Automotively Challenged

She is not a: Perfect 10
She is: Numerically Superior

She is not: Easy
She is: Horizontally Accessible

She does not: Hate Sports On TV
She is: Athletically Biased

She does not get: Drunk
She is: Accidentally Over-Served

You do not ask her: To Dance
You request a: Pre-Coital Rhythmic Experience

She is not: A Gossip
She is a: Verbal Terminator

She does not: Work Out Too Much
She is an: Abdominal Overachiever

She does not have: A Great Butt
She is: Gluteus To The Maxius

She is not: Hooked On Soap Operas
She is: Melodramatically Fixated

She is not: Cold Or Frigid
She is: Thermally Incompatible

She does not: Wear Too Much Make-Up
She is: Cosmetically Oversaturated

She will never: Gain Weight
She will become: A Metabolic Underachiever

She is not: A Screamer Or Moaner
She is: Vocally Appreciative

She does not: Sun Bathe
She experiences: Solar Enhancement

Her breasts will never: Sag
They will: Lose Their Vertical Hold

She does not: Cut You Off
She becomes: Horizontally Inaccessible

She does not: Snore
She is: Nasally Repetitive

She does not have: Big Hooters
Her: Cups Runneth Over

She is not: Too Skinny
She is: Skeletally Prominent

Absolutley no offence meant, just for fun, honest.
Fishnet 16 5.0k 5 United Kingdom
3 Oct 2004 11:27PM
you're just lucky I'm not Hormonally Homicidal right now ! lol

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