Groaners!


StrayCat 16 19.1k 3 Canada
3 Oct 2004 11:48PM
A man asked his wife what she would like for her 50th birthday. She said I'd like to be 8 again. So the day of her birthday he took her to the fair, and put her on all the rides, the zipper, the slingsot, everything. That evening she staggered from the fair and he took her to MacDonald.s and ordered the works, burgers large fries, coke and dessert. then he took her home. She collapsed on the bed, exausted, and slightly green. He said sweetly, did you enjoy being 8 again dear? She slowly opened one eye, fixed it on him and said; "I meant dress size, you f**king tulip."
starstriders 16 1.6k United Kingdom
5 Oct 2004 2:13PM
Ok, here are my contributions, some very bad, some very good. I'll leave you to decide!

-

A man took his dog to the Vet. He said, "Dr, I think my dog is dead." The Vet told him to put the dog on the table and then left the room. Soon he came back with a cat. The cat sniffed the dogs ears, his nose and then walked all over him. The Vet said "Yep, your dog is dead. That will be $500 and 35 dollars." The man said, "$500 and 35 dollars! What for?" The Vet said, "$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan."

-

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

-

A bear and a rabbit were having a **** in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit "Don't you hate it when **** gets stuck to your fir?", and the rabbit replies "No, not really." So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his bum with it.

-

Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break

-

Which side of the chicken has he most feathers?
The outside!

-

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

-

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

-

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Straight through his chest with a sharp knife.

-

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

-

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

-

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds in the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him!

-

What do men and microwaves have in common?
They're both done in 30 seconds.

-

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

-

How can you tell if a man is well hung?
If you can't get your finger between the rope and his neck!

-

How do you know if you're a redneck?
Your family tree doesn't fork.

-

What's got twenty-two legs and smells of wee?
The post office queue on Saturday morning.

-

A man is stranded on a desert island and the water is rising rapidly. It's just up to his knees when a boat comes along.
"Get in!, I'll save you," the boatman shouts.
"No, I put my faith in Jesus," the man replies, "He'll save me."
The boat sails on. When the water is up to his neck another boat arrives.
"Hop in mate, lets get you out of here!!"
"No, I have my faith in Jesus, he will save me."
The water is up to this blokes chin now. Along comes another boat.
"This is your last chance, get in or you will drown!!"
"I put my faith in Jesus, he will save me."
The water comes up and the bloke drowns. He enters heaven and meets Jesus there.
He says, "I put my faith in you and you betrayed me, why didn't you save me?"
Jesus replies, "It's your own fault, I sent you three f***ing boats!"

-

A blind man goes into a shop with his guide dog and starts swinging it round in the air above his head. The shop keeper asks if he could assist the man, to which he replies "No thanks, I'm just looking."

-

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?" God replied.
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I am just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I'm lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a Man for you."
"What's a Man, Lord?"
"Man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants. But if you get used to him I might say he won't be altogether a bad companion I think, hard time and all."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

-

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

-

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final they had a solid "A". They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends. They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam. Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day. They were elated and relieved. At the final, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
The first problem, worth 5 Points, was something simple about Morality & Solutions. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy."
The next problem was worth 95 Points. It said: - Which tire?

-

A hobo (wanderer) comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down The cook will bring your meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

-

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

-

Enjoy.
starstriders 16 1.6k United Kingdom
5 Oct 2004 2:13PM
Ok, here are my contributions, some very bad, some very good. I'll leave you to decide!

-

A man took his dog to the Vet. He said, "Dr, I think my dog is dead." The Vet told him to put the dog on the table and then left the room. Soon he came back with a cat. The cat sniffed the dogs ears, his nose and then walked all over him. The Vet said "Yep, your dog is dead. That will be $500 and 35 dollars." The man said, "$500 and 35 dollars! What for?" The Vet said, "$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan."

-

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

-

A bear and a rabbit were having a **** in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit "Don't you hate it when **** gets stuck to your fir?", and the rabbit replies "No, not really." So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his bum with it.

-

Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break

-

Which side of the chicken has he most feathers?
The outside!

-

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

-

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

-

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Straight through his chest with a sharp knife.

-

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

-

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

-

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds in the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him!

-

What do men and microwaves have in common?
They're both done in 30 seconds.

-

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

-

How can you tell if a man is well hung?
If you can't get your finger between the rope and his neck!

-

How do you know if you're a redneck?
Your family tree doesn't fork.

-

What's got twenty-two legs and smells of wee?
The post office queue on Saturday morning.

-

A man is stranded on a desert island and the water is rising rapidly. It's just up to his knees when a boat comes along.
"Get in!, I'll save you," the boatman shouts.
"No, I put my faith in Jesus," the man replies, "He'll save me."
The boat sails on. When the water is up to his neck another boat arrives.
"Hop in mate, lets get you out of here!!"
"No, I have my faith in Jesus, he will save me."
The water is up to this blokes chin now. Along comes another boat.
"This is your last chance, get in or you will drown!!"
"I put my faith in Jesus, he will save me."
The water comes up and the bloke drowns. He enters heaven and meets Jesus there.
He says, "I put my faith in you and you betrayed me, why didn't you save me?"
Jesus replies, "It's your own fault, I sent you three f***ing boats!"

-

A blind man goes into a shop with his guide dog and starts swinging it round in the air above his head. The shop keeper asks if he could assist the man, to which he replies "No thanks, I'm just looking."

-

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?" God replied.
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I am just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I'm lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a Man for you."
"What's a Man, Lord?"
"Man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants. But if you get used to him I might say he won't be altogether a bad companion I think, hard time and all."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

-

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

-

Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final they had a solid "A". They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends. They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam. Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day. They were elated and relieved. At the final, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
The first problem, worth 5 Points, was something simple about Morality & Solutions. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy."
The next problem was worth 95 Points. It said: - Which tire?

-

A hobo (wanderer) comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down The cook will bring your meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

-

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

-

Enjoy.
starstriders 16 1.6k United Kingdom
5 Oct 2004 2:14PM
Didn't mean to post that twice!?!?!
jonjeds 16 509
5 Oct 2004 5:53PM
Our local chemist was burgled the other night. They stole all the Viagra.

Police are looking for hardened criminals.
john64 Plus
16 824 England
5 Oct 2004 6:55PM
I heard the other day that one in five people are Chinese. There are five in my family so it's either Mum, Dad, my brother Colin or my other brother Chin Chow Choy.

I think it's Colin.

(C) Tommy Cooper.

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