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Made me laugh


DAVID LYDIATE 18 305
5 Aug 2006 1:53PM
Posted on the Multiple Sclerosis Society message board!
There are several variations that have been told before, but it made me laugh. Can you say balls on this board? Never mind then!



An elderly woman walked into the Bank of England one morning with a
purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on
talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of
money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.The
president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "165,000".
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to
save so much money.
The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was
surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you 25,000 that your
testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and
said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you 25,000 that my
testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money
involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow
morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way
and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive
that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself
that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at
the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet
made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day
before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she
and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.
"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed
that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly
woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because
I bet him 100,000 that at around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be
holding the balls of the Director of the Bank of England."

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Meg 15 393 United Kingdom
5 Aug 2006 10:22PM
very good!!
whipspeed 15 4.2k 22 United Kingdom
6 Aug 2006 9:01AM
Made me laugh.

Sarah
Just Jas Plus
18 26.3k 1 England
7 Aug 2006 3:08PM
For those in a hurry:

Said the drum stick "I'm full of testosterone!"
Said the drum "Bang me then".
Just Jas Plus
18 26.3k 1 England
29 Aug 2006 2:03PM
Traditional Version:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

(The End - trad version)


Modern Version:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights, Bono and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile.

The squirrels food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice.

On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.

The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards. A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house.

He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK. The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.

Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost 10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

(The End)
Base 15 172
30 Aug 2006 10:04AM
That started out being quite witty, now I just want to sit in a corner and sob...
Just Jas Plus
18 26.3k 1 England
30 Aug 2006 2:42PM
Hey! That's my corner! Smile
tanglefoot 15 973 England
2 Sep 2006 11:34AM
Well I'm going to the papers and social services I want that corner

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