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Microsoft Stores

16 Feb 2009 10:27AM
Microsoft announced plans to open retail stores, hoping to boost visibility of many of its products and its brand. The move seems to be an effort to mimic the success that Apple has had with its retail stores. Here are some yet-to-be-officially-revealed details about the Microsoft stores.

1) Instead of Apple's sheer walls of glass, Microsoft's stores will have brushed steel walls dotted with holes -- reminiscent of Windows security.

2) The store will have six different entrances: Starter, Basic, Premium, Professional, Enterprise, and Ultimate. While all six doors will lead into the same store, the Ultimate door requires a fee of $100 for no apparent reason.

3) Instead of a "Genius Bar" (as Apple provides) Microsoft will offer an Excuse Bar. It will be staffed by Microsofties trained in the art of evading questions, directing you to complicated and obscure fixes, and explaining it's a problem with the hardware -- not a software bug.

4) The Windows Genuine Advantage team will run storefront security, assuming everybody is a thief until they can prove otherwise.

5) Store hours are undetermined. At any given time the store mysteriously shuts down instantaneously for no apparent reason. (No word yet on what happens to customers inside).

6) Stores will be named Microsoft Live Retail Store with PC Services for Digital Lifestyle Enthusiasts.

7) Fashioned after Microsoft's User Account Control (UAC) in Vista, sales personnel will ask you whether you're positive you want to purchase something at least twice.

8) Xbox 360 section of the store will be organized in a ring -- which will inexplicably go red occasionally.

9) DreamWorks will design a scary in-store theme park ride called "blue screen of death."

10) Store emergency exits will be unlocked at all times so people can get in anytime they want even if the front doors are locked.
User_Removed 15 4.9k England
16 Feb 2009 11:47AM
Off we go again......... Smile
User_Removed 17 17.9k 8 Norway
16 Feb 2009 11:54AM
(where that ruddy tin 'at...??)

strawman 17 22.2k 16 United Kingdom
16 Feb 2009 12:21PM
I prefer the thought of the Linux store.

It will be staffed almost entirely by bearded gentlemen who will be friendly and helpful, but talk in a language you cannot understand.

All the items in the store will be for free, but to collect an item you will have to correctly write down a complex set of instructions fully and correctly on a piece of paper.

and all the time you are there you will be wonder, who on earth is paying for this?

Compare and contrast to the mac store.

The new Apple store will have a contact less credit card reader built into the door frame so customers can be parted from their money without recognising it. This is called the iGotYourMoneyMug.

At periodic intervals, customer will be lead outside for a moment, the store lighting and chairs changed the the customers will be lead back in again, and subjected to a fresh charge. This is the iChargedYouForanUn-neededupgrade.

Actual hardware for the store will be borrowed from the windows store next door, but of course the Apple store will add its own magic pixy dust, and a healthy markup.

Windows in the Applestore are of course very big and contain magnifying elements so they can see you coming from a long way away.

All the time in the Apple store you will know, you are paying for it Wink
Big Bri 19 16.7k United Kingdom
16 Feb 2009 12:30PM
LOL @ John Smile
motoads 13 14 Australia
16 Feb 2009 12:38PM

Quote:Just responding to a completely unprovoked attack on Windows

or maybe even light humour?

Sheesh! lol :o))
motoads 13 14 Australia
16 Feb 2009 12:50PM
you wrote the words man, not me...
keithh 17 25.7k 33 Wallis And Futuna
16 Feb 2009 12:56PM
Humour on EPZ is best done via the jugular
Carabosse 17 41.5k 270 England
16 Feb 2009 12:59PM

Quote:Man you wrote your words after I wrote my words, then man you writing more words, mah bad

Oh man! Grin
strawman 17 22.2k 16 United Kingdom
16 Feb 2009 1:27PM

Quote:Humour on EPZ is best done via the jugular
quote of the day Smile
Tooth 16 5.8k 227 Ireland
16 Feb 2009 2:54PM
Humour at a circus is best done via the juggler..

(OK, I know, I'm bored Smile )
Carabosse 17 41.5k 270 England
16 Feb 2009 3:16PM

Quote:Is JustJas off this month? Bored or not there's no need to fill in for him.

Yes, he's I believe busy composing some new puns - which he keeps ready for use when required. Smile
User_Removed 15 4.9k England
16 Feb 2009 3:16PM
Who needs JJas.......when we have you Chris Wink
strawman 17 22.2k 16 United Kingdom
16 Feb 2009 3:19PM
I hear Microsoft, Apple and Linux are all set to bring out cameras.

The Linux will be based on an Ebony LF system where the plans and firmware will be issued free, but users will be expected to source their own camera, 2nd hand laptop and SCUSI scanner.

Microsoft will be delivering the new camera some time in the next 3 years and almost certainly a year before the development is complete so early adopters will be expected to take part in B testing. The camera will be festooned with every combination of switch button and lever known to man and it will feature a universal lens mount that will equally badly auto focus any lens produced in the last 50 years.

Apple on the other hand will deliver a new user experience in an ultra compact stylish item the size of an iPod. There will only be one control, the On/off button. The camera will take a photo by the user turning it on and pointing it in the direction of something interesting and the iPhoto will decide what is of interest in the scene and set the focal length, shutter speed etc, saving Apple users from ever having to know what is going on.

Batteries and memory cards are non-interchangeable and photo's will be stored in a propriatry format and images will be non editable and can only be seen by uploading to a special iPhoto web site who will provide the only way of getting prints.

Both the Apple and the Windows cameras will uses sensors from the same supplier, but the Apple one will be a generation older.
User_Removed 15 4.9k England
16 Feb 2009 3:28PM
The BG camera will have a reboot button....Wink

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