WEX Deals: Use code 10CAN to save 10% on select Canon lenses

To the citizens of the United States of America

KevSB 16 1.5k 5 United Kingdom
21 Oct 2011 1:20PM
This has been doing the rounds and found it funny myself, No offence to our american cousins, this is a little tongue in cheek

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Join ePHOTOzine for free and remove these adverts.

janeez 11 1.8k 8 United Kingdom
21 Oct 2011 1:37PM
Here, here. Well said that man. Just off for a game of lacrosse followed by a lovely plate of cucumber sandwiches. Tally-ho.
Big Bri 19 16.6k United Kingdom
21 Oct 2011 1:41PM
muzzeyman 16 293 United Kingdom
21 Oct 2011 2:06PM
User_Removed 16 17.9k 8 Norway
21 Oct 2011 2:10PM
Love it!!!!!!!
adrian_w Plus
12 3.8k 4 England
21 Oct 2011 3:51PM
It's an updated version of a letter purportedly sent by John Cleese when George Dubya was re-elected 7or 8 years ago. Still very funny today.
loweskid 18 2.0k 1 United Kingdom
21 Oct 2011 5:00PM
Point of order sir....

"In fact, the ‘-ize’ forms have been in use in English spelling since the 15th century: they didn’t originate in American use, even though they are now standard in US English."

Source.... http://blog.oxforddictionaries.com/2011/03/ize-or-ise/
keith selmes 16 7.4k 1 United Kingdom
21 Oct 2011 5:13PM
Yes, for example organize came from Latin, and I think it was some time in the 15th century.
Years ago I was puzzled about it, and looked it up in the OED.

The original versio of the OP was fun when I first saw it, at the time when the americans appeared incapable of running a presidential election, and couldn't agree who won. Very clever.
Big Bri 19 16.6k United Kingdom
21 Oct 2011 5:22PM
I think you'll also find that the extra "u" in colour was added by us British after the original "color" was taken to America....
janeez 11 1.8k 8 United Kingdom
21 Oct 2011 5:36PM
The British wanted to disassociate themselves from America after the war of indepence so changed the spelling of lots of words. The U was added and the Z's changed for S's.
21 Oct 2011 5:36PM
Love it!!
vixalot 9 8 England
22 Oct 2011 3:44PM
Much chuckle worthy Grin

Sign In

You must be a member to leave a comment.

ePHOTOzine, the web's friendliest photography community.

Join For Free

Upload photos, chat with photographers, win prizes and much more.