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A Tale of Modern Manners by Jane Austin-Morris

By Ericsamson
Troubled yummy mummy and well known former socialite Tara Raboomdeay endeavours to train young Tarquin in the etiquette of First Class rail travel.
"Don't point at the the oiks in the cars Tarquin! It's common!"
"But Mummy, I can see Daddy riding with Aunty Lil on the back seat of the Megabus."
"On a Megabus!" howled Tara, sounding like a rapidly deflating Lady Bracknell and grinding her recently crowned molar to dust.
"Mummy," said Timandra, "the man opposite looks like Clarke Gable."
"Frankly my dear I don't give a damn!" scowled Tara testily. Her head throbbed despite the ice pack strapped to it with the length of blue ribbon given to her by Carlos Lagerhead, fashion consultant to the 'Princess for a Pound' chain of high street couturiers.
"Oh dear!" Timandra lamented reflectively, "There's a funny smell in here."
"Yes, I know dear. I think Mr. Gable has gone with the wind."
"I wish he would!" choked Timandra, her eyes smarting as a result of the malevolent miasma. By way of distraction she began to wonder why the man in the corner was concealing a well thumbed copy of 'The Flossy Winters Catalogue of Exotica for Refined Gentlefolk' within the commodious folds of 'The Financial Times.' She also wondered why he had no head and then remembered an unlikely story that Tarquin - a young man with advanced ideas - had once told her about the Duchess of Argyll.
Tara meanwhile closed her weary eyes and pondered on the threats posed by passive aggressive smoking and 'Aunty Lil' or the Duchess of Argyll as she was known in high society.

My therapist said it would be good to write things out of my system as am troubled by the 21st plague of 'Issues' ....... issues, we all fall down. If you've got this far thank you and well done. I gave up after the first sentence. Blush

My sincere thanks to all who viewed, voted commented on and awarded yesterday's upload. What a treat! Made my day. I have to catch up with today's EPZ business and write PM's to those who gave awards but to be on the safe side my especial thanks to Arne, Ian (mac), Richard (dickspics), Ivor (capto), John (lifesnapper) and Dave (mistere).

I must also apologise for using up so much of the internet! BlushBlushBlush

With very best wishes to all for the week and the New Year ahead, G. SmileSmileSmileSmileSmileSmileSmile

Tags: Rail travel Silly Sunday Humour and fun Manners Corfe Castle Station Railway poster

Voters: Saastad, rontear, mike9005 and 30 more

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Saastad Plus
1 16 6 Norway
29 Dec 2019 9:35PM
Nice work!
adagio Plus
1 3 2 England
29 Dec 2019 10:13PM
OMG I can hardly type for laughing🤣🤣🤣🤣!!! The picture brought a smile to my face straight away but after reading the adult version of Jackanory, I'm absolutely's the way you tell 'em!!! Super image made even more super by your's just gotta have a gong!

capto Plus
8 6.4k 20 United Kingdom
29 Dec 2019 10:29PM
Great stuff..............shows that you need to be rich to travel by train.WinkSmile
29 Dec 2019 10:30PM
Award presented for making me laugh out loud again!
Oh ... are these awards for photography? Oh ...
Well, Eric's ... Graham's ... Cyril's photo is also exceptional ....except it isn't a photo ... is it? Who cares?
Gone with the wind got me going!
So in just the first few days of me discovering this wonderful new entertainment, we've had planes, trains, cars, buses and motorbikes.
I assume the boats are on their way?
Colin Smile
pamelajean Plus
14 1.4k 2155 United Kingdom
29 Dec 2019 11:37PM
I love these old posters, their artwork and colours, but most of all I love your humour.
mac Plus
18 8 Scotland
30 Dec 2019 12:00AM
They are great fun the old railway posters. I have quite a few from the National Railway Museum at York. This is a good example, well photographed and presented. However, you do not get that amount of leg-room in the First Class carriages today. Oh, to be back in the old days.
Chinga Plus
9 3 2 United Kingdom
30 Dec 2019 2:29AM
Nice... Well seen... Beautiful poster !!
Isabel GrinGrin
30 Dec 2019 8:01AM
a masterclass in wrapping an otherwise just lovely vintage poster into a humorous narrative
mrswoolybill Plus
13 2.3k 2262 United Kingdom
30 Dec 2019 8:05AM
Meanwhile the spy in the corner is about to set fire to his newspaper, and incinerate the lot of them. Serves them right for not taking the Megabus.
Trains with leg room. Those were the days...
woolybill1 Plus
13 34 76 United Kingdom
30 Dec 2019 8:47AM
Such an imagination!
I do love it when Matron lets you out of your shed Grin
Definitely the best read of the year . . .
saltireblue Plus
10 11.0k 66 Norway
30 Dec 2019 8:51AM
That is obviously not a UK train - the window is far too clean.
I shall not attempt to compete with the author's hilarious regalement, it would come up way too short by comparison. Suffice to say you should ignore the letter which has already been posted, offering you an Honour in the New Year list...
cats_123 Plus
16 5.0k 30 Northern Ireland
30 Dec 2019 9:20AM
Even has those ashtrays which snapped your fingers off and sprayed burnt ash in your face. 😁😁😁

Thanks for a great read....
30 Dec 2019 9:49AM
Writing thoughts on paper is always good but, if you turn the piece of paper over to find that all the words have fallen off onto the floor, then you may need help. Wink

Great stuff, Graham and a great find too.

bluesandtwos 10 428 1 England
30 Dec 2019 10:21AM
You Sir, are a genius ( or should that be is a genius, who knows or even cares, Cyril is in the skies, the newts are content with their lot, Madeline is mooning about the rhododendrons but in the good old fashion sense, not baring her pale and somewhat scrawny derriere to the gardening staff, Spode has had his richly deserved come uppance and all is well with the World)

I've checked under the bed and having donned the latex glove submitted the back of the sofa (settee to us old folk) to an intimate search but alas not a single award have I found.Sad Therefore my educated friend of woodturning fame, newt trainer to the aristocracy, wordsmith par excellence, I can only, once again, doff my hat, wish you well, and bestow upon you for services rendered to the troubled mess that lurks within this ancient skull, my invisible, virtual (as in virtually worthless, less than a tenner on flea bay) award.

You truly are both Gentleman and Scholar, well done Sir!

Best wishes to Matron, and can you tell her a Fortnums hamper would cheer me up no end if she feels inclined, my heart is broken, Stinky has only gone and got engaged to the curate and Madeline o'the pale and scrawny d. is on the prowl!

Bertie aka etc etc
30 Dec 2019 10:56AM
Dear Bertie, bless you, as always, for your great kindness and support. As regards the latter your loan of the patented 'Ironclad Dreadnaught Truss' has proved most beneficial and I have returned it to you, freshly laundered and re-strapped for your immediate use should that be necessary. Moreover I have tidings of comfort and joy to bring you! My freshly ironed copy of the 'Radio Times' has fallen open (p120 if it helps) to reveal that on Saturday January 4th Radio 4 Extra will bless us, one and all, with a three hour programme devoted to 'The Inimitable P. G. Wodehouse.' From the write up it appears to be jolly gathering with all the main players in attendance. I shall be downloading it from the BBC Sounds app onto my permanently stoked steam powered mobile device which I move on rails betwixt house and shed. It is then available to listen to for at least a month as the fancy takes one. Best not to let on to Aunt Agatha. I'm sure she would be displeased if you were taken by a fancy!

With best wishes for a very happy Newt Year, Gussie. SmileSmileSmile

dudler Plus
17 1.3k 1692 England
30 Dec 2019 12:12PM
UA purely on the basis that you are mad as soup, and might come round to talk to me if I don't give you one.

I was surviving until I got to John's comment about the words falling off the paper.

Mollycat Plus
7 21 2 United Kingdom
30 Dec 2019 1:15PM
Hilarious as usual Graham. May I suggest a short nap before matron brings you your soup and medication.
Then if permitted a short stay in the shed to dust your brain cells.

Peter GrinGrin
30 Dec 2019 4:06PM
What can one say!!! of course I am so posh that I just know how poor Tara feels. I one had to travel by bus (well every day actually) with my pensioners pass......

Love the poster, love the write ,up made me howl laughing. it is just so good and funny and brightened a day.

Best wishes for a very Happy New Year and more of this please.


Lady Patty of South Yorkshire..Smile
mistere Plus
7 6 4 England
30 Dec 2019 4:59PM
Ok, can't possibly type and chuckle at the same time so i'm going to surrender and return later when the
old grey matter can cope. Wonderful stuff and nonsense young Graham. If i wore a hat i'd take it off.
Catch you later SmileSmileSmile
Dave Onthefloorgiggling.
31 Dec 2019 1:34AM
Gone with the wind....indeed! Poor Clark Gable. I laughed all the way through your fiction.....more please.

And, I am reminded that in the loser level of the Visionary Art Museum (outsider art) in Baltimore MD, near the rest rooms (of course), there is an entire display about farting....and farts through the ages!

Chinga Plus
9 3 2 United Kingdom
31 Dec 2019 1:55AM
PS: You should take up writing in the New year Graham !!
Your write up is very good !! You have a way with words...
Happy New Year for 2020 !! Isabel GrinGrin
TrevBatWCC Plus
12 13 16 England
31 Dec 2019 11:13AM
Hope you had a great Christmas, Graham, a Happy New Year to you! 👍
Trev 😀
capto Plus
8 6.4k 20 United Kingdom
31 Dec 2019 11:16PM
Wishing you and yours health, wealth and happiness for the coming year.......and many great photo opportunities.
Saastad Plus
1 16 6 Norway
7 Jan 2020 9:13PM
Just a little late award Smile


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